Will I be Brave enough to Disappear?

I often have this feeling of wanting to disappear and to not have to answer to anyone. 

And then I stop and wonder how is that even possible?

I saw this article pop up the other day and the words of Michaela Coel hit my heart.

“Write the tale that scares you, that makes you feel uncertain, that is uncomfortable.  I dare you.  In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us determine how we feel about ourselves, and to, in turn, feel the need to be constantly visible, for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success, do not be afraid to disappear, from it, from us, for a while, and see what comes to you in the silence.” 

WOW.

The external world holds so much pressure.  With constant expectations of getting it right.    It is so easy for me to forget who I am and what I want for myself.   

I can be so quickly drawn in to what other people are doing and then wonder if I will ever be doing enough.

To really believe the idea that if I am not visible if I am not showing up then people will forget about me.  People won’t know who I am or what I am offering.  

Then What?  

Isn’t that the golden rule of social media and all media,  post often.  Let people know every single detail of your life.  Be visible.  Continually share.   Be relatable.  Let people know who you are.  

When does it ever stop?

I hear the words of Michaela Coel and her wisdom to not be afraid to disappear and to see what comes in the silence. 

To be honest I don’t know if I am ready AND I don’t know if I will ever be ready.  

It is totally uncertain and uncomfortable and it scares the shit out of me. 

I have taken a big leap in my life recently in moving to an island where I don’t have the security and comforts I am used to, I don’t know if it will work if I will be able to stay or where I will live and yet this doesn’t even come close to the fear of disappearing.   

It is interesting how I am so willing to take big leaps to do life differently on the external but the idea of not sharing what I am doing with others is terrifying. 

Connection is real.  We are human and require it.

And how much is too much?    

My ego is so strong.  What I have created in this outer world seems so real.  

To be known and to be validated.   

I wonder what the stillness and the time away could bring.  I wonder what sits on the other side? 

The question I am left with is Will I be brave enough to find out for myself?