Am I just one more fix away?

This last month has been a wild ride for me emotionally and energetically AND it has also given me more reflection and of course more pause.  

Which has not been what I want but certainly what I need.  I have felt this desire to take action, to do something different, to change, to travel, to relocate and most of all to FIX!

There has to be something wrong with me I keep saying?  How could I not have figured it out by now.  How I am not any closer to where I think I should to be.  I have had a year of all this space and time and what is so different?

There has to be something to fix.  

I can re-examine myself a little bit more I can look around at what other people are doing and see if I should be doing something different.  I can take more classes, ask more people for advice, get more answers and make more changes.  

I am just one more fix away from getting it right I tell myself, from having it all work out. 

AND what if I require more than anything is not a fix, but a simple acceptance of who I am.   Faith, Trust and Patience that all I desire and have planted will grow when it is ready.  

That spending my time and energy in judgement of others or comparison is simply a distraction.   That trying to fix others in an effort to prove something to the world is just a distraction.   That believing I can look perfect to the outside world is just another distraction. 

Requiring a fix means there is something wrong with me in the first place.  Something I can hang onto and pull out anytime I need to feel better.  

The noise is all around me.  It is constant and easy to access.  It takes up time and eliminates boredom. 

How do I not allow myself to not become part of the noise?

I am an addict,  I want a quick fix.  So I go back and forth.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  I take a break from the noise and then I feel myself slowly creeping back in.   Then I am engulfed with it, loving the drama, the passion the story.  

Then I experience the hangover, the wanting to be quiet to reflect and to say I won’t do it again.   

The only way to stop is to allow myself to be still and to fully accept that nothing is wrong.   

I guess the one question I ask myself is would I be okay if there was nothing and no one to fix?  

What if the noise was not longer so desirable?  

Would stillness and faith be enough?