What I really learned about discipline in my first backpacking Adventure

It really is September already. Can summer really be over.  It doesn’t seem possible I know, I find myself in the same place each year.  

I spent a few days in August out in nature on my very first backpacking adventure without access to technology and what I kept coming back to was this feeling of peace.  How quickly I can feel centered and aligned when I don’t have distractions or when I am not disciplined.  I always have moments of wanting this feeling to last forever and then being brought back to reality that I live in the world and learning to be a part of it is important.   When I take myself into these places I can’t help but reflect on how I feel and where I am attached.  I notice how quickly I move from being uncomfortable to comfortable when I let go of discipline and allow myself to be present. 

And there is also this idea that with continued discipline and dedication all things are possible.   Quite the paradox when I really start to explore it.    

I have always considered myself to be highly disciplined and dedicated to the things I find important.  What I often find in this process is that my desire to be perfect in my discipline leads down a path of self judgment, criticism and negativity. 

Similar to many of you I listen to podcasts, follow people I find inspiring and I have tried so hard to follow a program or routine that someone else has provided.  The thing is I know I am disciplined enough to do it.   Following the steps and taking action is easy for me.   This is something that has appeared to work my entire life.     If I wanted to be a better athlete I just needed to be more disciplined. To practice more.  If I wanted to be a better student I just needed to study harder.   Be more disciplined.  If I wanted a relationship to work I just needed to try harder.  To be more disciplined and fix what was not working.   

What I have come to notice over the years is that having more discipline is not always the answer.   

On the other side of discipline there is this space of defiance or disobedience.  What is interesting to me when I think of the opposite of disciplined I discover words that hold negative context.  As if being disciplined is the right way and being undisciplined is the wrong way.  It makes sense that we are so conditioned to get it right and to do it right over and over again.   To say that having more discipline is the answer. 

I am not sure if I agree. Maybe there is another way.   

Disobedience and defiance is a way into balance and we require our own balance point. 

We require defiance and undisciplined time to know what it feels like.  And it is often the space where we are able to be creative and to explore ourselves and the world around us.  The times when we don’t have a scheduled routine or something to check on.    As if success is not possible without constant discipline.    As if results don’t happen unless they are following a specific structure or model. 

What I have discovered is that I require both.  Discipline and defiance.   I require balance.   Balance for me comes from taking frequent breaks.  It comes from asking myself challenging questions.  It comes from getting still and reflecting and it comes from noticing the spaces in which I am holding judgment for myself and my own process.  

This is key for me. 

Where in my own process of being undisciplined am I judging myself and feeling guilty.  I know that when I choose to be undisciplined and I am present it is a different feeling then when I am undisciplined and thinking about what it would look like to accomplish more or do more. 

Balance cannot arrive if I am not in integrity with myself.

I notice in moments the true gifts that are able to come because I have allowed myself to be undisciplined and to really be present to that experience.   And also the moments when I have been fully disciplined and present to that experience. This is my balance point.   

I measure my progress in this practice by how often I choose in to an undisciplined practice and how often I bring myself back.   I know my balance point by how it feels in my body.  Am I saying one thing and doing another?  Am I judging myself while trying to be present to what is in front of me?  Am I curious to my what I require without wishing it were different?

These are all questions I come back to again and again. 

My measurement is key.  Am in full acceptance for both as they arrive.   

How you choose to find your relationship to discipline is important because yes so much can be accomplished when we have a routine and we show up.   And yet we are human and can’t always show up. We feel, we experience and we change.   One of the most important gifts we can give ourselves is acceptance into our own process for what it is.  On this journey of finding true balance with ourselves our relationship to discipline matters so much.  

Believe me I have tried to push through or make things work at a quicker pace by being more disciplined and what I have realized is that it lead me further of away from this trust of myself.  Following a path set out by someone else and following a structure that has worked for them but doesn’t seem to work for me.  When I opt out of disciplined I make space.  And sometimes things arrive in that space and sometimes they don’t either way it is part of the balance and part of the process.   I am allowing myself to at least have the possibility.   This is important to me and I believe this is what matters most.   Can I make space for the possibility that it could be different.  That I could essentially find my own way in.  That I could have success with a balance of both.   

And so my adventure to do something different to try something new brought me into a space of question when it comes to my relationship to discipline. I am sure there is a disciplined way to do backpacking but I don’t think I will be choosing it anytime soon.