What the journey into Motherhood is teaching me about control and my relationship to time

I am still in awe of the fact that we only have a few months left out of 2023.   As you may have seen in my recent communications and posts I am so grateful to be entering into the journey of motherhood.   With only a few months left to go before the baby’s arrival I am already learning so much more than I could have expected. 

As someone who has a high level of discipline I am learning what it really means to let go and to surrender to the moment as it unfolds.   I have experienced the full range of emotions with my physical and mental health.   Moments of having to lean in to absolute stillness even when I was in deep resistance.  Moments of questioning how I would be able to deal with the discomfort and the feelings of loss to a life I once had.   Moments of absolute joy feeling a new life being created inside of me.   

What does this mean for my career or for me as a person. Will the role and identify of mother be what defines me or how I choose to label myself?    

There are so many questions into the unknown that I sit with and observe.    

Walking curiously into the space of I don’t have to have it all figured out just yet.   

As things change it can be challenging to welcome the change without resistance.   Sometimes I feel as though I am up against the clock.  And I realize my continual obsession with time.  How I look back at what used to be with such admiration and awe and how I feel unsure of how much time I will have moving forward.   Will I be able to get it all done.   

Time and Control are two funny things.  They lock us in and they can also keep us grounded and disciplined.  And so the question becomes how do I find balance with both.  How do I find a relationship with time and control that is supportive and nourishing.    

All I have found is bringing myself back to the present moment again and again.  Awareness to my thoughts and choosing to actively slow down. 

Listening to my body and being able to fully acknowledge where it is right now is perfect for me.  This requires a letting go of expectations and an acceptance to what I am able to do or not do in each moment.  This practice becomes easier in some ways as my body gives me no choice in the process of growing another human and it is also very complex because the mind does not always know the difference.   

If I am honest I feel as though often times I am only learning.  I am just a beginner on the path.

And in so many ways I am okay with that.  I trust that it will  present to me what is required to move forward one step at a time.  

And some days are easier than others.

That is just the honest truth.