The Important Role External Validation Patterns play in our financial Health
I have been thinking a lot in February about how many different factors affect our financial health. We tend to only think about how much money we have or don’t have but there are so many other factors. The more time I spend in conversation with clients and friends the more I am able to see how our financial health is so complex. How inter woven our patterns and beliefs are to how we choose to spend or save money.
You may not want to think about money or have an aversion to it but it doesn’t make it disappear and it can play such an essential role in how we understand ourselves and how we understand others.
One of the ways our relationship to our finances can show up so strongly is in our external validation patterns.
The thing about our finances is that everyone has their own story and their own narrative. Everyone is coming at it from a different place with different values and different responsibilities.
I truly believe that when you start to build a stronger relationship with yourself and when you start to have more awareness to yourself you empower yourself to make financial decisions that align with you and support you.
When we are operating from a place of confusion, shame, guilt or fear we often are not able to acknowledge what is actually going on. Because of this we are not able to be honest with our money. Getting caught up in our own stories can be what holds us back or prevents us from stepping into a new way of being and doing. To know exactly what we require financially and to take the actions to move ourselves forward.
The first question in all of this is the biggest one, how do you understand and identify your external validation patterns?
Looking at your life and seeing all the ways you seek validation from things or from people outside of yourself.
The biggest one for so many of us is the job or roles we have, essentially what we do. So how do I know if I am validating myself by this?
The best way I have found is to start with asking yourself a few questions.
Here are some examples of questions that may be helpful to get you started:
Do I base my worthiness of self on the job or role I hold?
Do I compare myself to others based on what I have vs. what they have?
Do I continuously ask people if they liked it or if they think I am doing okay?
These three questions can be applied to so many different scenarios. Believe me we all have external validation patterns.
Let’s use the example of teaching a Yoga Class. Do I base my worthiness on this or compare myself to others and wonder if I am doing okay or if people liked it. Asking myself these questions brings into focus if I am being externally validated by teaching or not.
The point of walking through these questions is to understand if you are using external validation as a way to feel complete within yourself. So in the example I mentioned if you were not a yoga teacher would you still feel validated and worthy? That is the question to ask yourself. If you did not have your job/ role would you still feel worthy and complete?
Starting to identify your own external validation patterns is key. It is giving you awareness to yourself.
As you identify and become aware of the ways in which you are using external validation you can then choose to flip the script and to essentially validate yourself without using outside approval.
So that yes you may love your job/role as a yoga teacher AND you are not looking for validation or approval from it.
This takes time, patience and practice. Every time you notice yourself choosing or saying something because you are seeking their approval and wanting confirmation we must pause. And ask ourselves the question first. Why am I doing this? Is it because I feel I am lacking or it is required or is it simply because I desire it for myself and feel an internal pull within myself. This becomes an ongoing practice. External validation is everywhere and if we aren’t aware it can consume us completely.
The ways in which you externally validate yourself can be a direct reflection into your financial health and well being. When we are constantly outsourcing our worthiness through external validation we can tend to chase money as an outcome or to to not be clear on our values and the way we choose to spend or save money.
We can create an unhealthy financial situation for ourselves because we are trying to prove something to those around us or we are trying to get approval. This can often be something that happens so quickly but overtime by continuing these patterns we can find ourselves feeling overwhelmed financially.
And the thing about external validation is that it will never feel enough. So no matter how many ways we try to look at it to change it to make it okay, it never gives us what we are truly seeking.
When we learn to validate ourselves we free ourselves from this external suffering. We give ourselves full permission to do it differently. And then we start to see that money is simply an extension of this. When I am validating myself first I am essentially checking in with myself and how I spend my money is a direct and honest reflection. If I don’t have to prove or be anything to anyone would I still spend the money on it? Would I still feel as though I had to.
Of course this doesn’t mean you won’t sepnd money or have thoughts on your finances but what if it could be different. What if it became a more conscious and more aligned relationship that connected direclty with your heart and your soul.
So, I want to leave you with two tools I think will be helpful moving forward.
#1: Write out your external validation patterns and then write out the financial cost associated with it. This could be over time or just one set amount.
#2: Put into practice for one or two weeks if you can asking yourself the question before you buy anything of who is this for or what am I trying to prove?
Give yourself space to see what you uncover.
We all are seeking validation in different ways I don’t think anyone is excluded So have compassion for yourself and try not to take everything on at once. Remember one small step at a time is still moving you forward.
I can promise you this that when you start to explore this within yourself and you start to see the ways you are spending your money your are creating awareness and with awareness is the option to create real change if you desire it. You have the ability to create a different way forward when it comes to your money and your thoughts. To feel empowered and to build out a healthy foundation. It does require a disciplined practice in knowing and understanding yourself. And exploring your external validation patterns is a great first step.
So give it a try in the month of March and let me know how it works for you!